was i an angry person? musings from a silence camp.

i am back into the "real world" after a wonderful "Silence Camp". two days of introspection and contemplation. a few realisations of what i have become and a potential insight into why i was operating as i was operating.

i never imagined that a group of fifty people could be together in silence for most of two days. of course, manjo was talking and taking the group through the process, throughout.

if you want to know what happens in a silence camp, i would suggest that you attend one and findout for yourself.

this was my second silence camp. the first one was a different kind of experience, that camp was at a resort by side of the sea and quite a lot of my time was spent thinking of food, especially fish, more specifically the fired kind, coated with wonderful south indian spices/masala, the kind you get in kerala.

this time around it was much better, not much time spent on food, actually was not very hungry at all.

somewhere at the start of the second day, i kinda felt a thought intruding upon me, a thought that somewhere deep down i am angry. i was startled, i have always been a happy sort of person. and i always belived that i had not let anything effect my equilibrium. since there was lot of silence around and within me, i kinda kept looking at this strange (at least to me strange) thought, kept prodding it from different sides. trying to wake it up, trying to find out how this strange creature looked like. nothing much was revealed. then i kept this thought aside and started examining my past actions. what i think, i could see was, something which kind of kicked me off balance for sometime.

i used to think that i was un-effected by things which impacted me and those things which used to cause anger in me. i always thought that i was letting go off the anger and that i was not getting effected by this letting go. i think what had happened was that i had forgotten the action which had caused me momentary anger, but the residue of that anger was etched and imprinted on my very being. and this i think has been building and building and building over my essence. this layer which was coated on my essence, was filtering all my experiences and through this filter everything was looking ugly,dark and distorted.

i have always been an introspective sort of chap, wonder why i was not able to catch this? bloody filters.

these and a few other things which have been happening to me over the years have made me realise that, i have been on a path, a path which has been taking me higher, a few steps at a time. i am sure if i had not had the experience which i had gone through my dream "relationship" with the "goddess" i would not have come to this realisation.

the unconditional love which i have been experiencing for everyone , seems to have finally dawned on me. this and the silence and the absence of fried fish,i guess, is what took me the next level. (still need to work on the unconditional love part, met a few people in the camp for who i had no feeling or emotions other than a feeling of detachment, everyone needs love like i do!!)

just by being aware that this coating was happening on my "soul" seems to have had an effect of removing this coating.

love, no filters, tears. life is wonderful.

on the way back, i had a intellectual discussion with on of the participants on the value of reading self help books. like i said it was a discussion. a day latter,a though stuck me, how can man write about improving god's wonderful creation? (i think i had read about this somewhere else)

p.s: may update some more stuff in this post if and when i feel there is something to be added to complete this. i know this looks kind of vague. but hey you, there ain't any manual written for us humans.